LAST JUDGEMENT

The judging team have worked hard into the night. The results are in. Before I say anything else, I would just like to say that we are a judging team educated at a Froebel Demonstration School. That means we don't really care about rules and we prefer play over, well, pretty much everything else. With that proviso, I would like to announce that the Committee have decided to make the following awards this year:

Most Creative Use of Marrow. And also Marrow - Amanda, Someone Else's Kitchen

Outlaw Degenerate Supreme (Prize awarded with respect to grey squirrel raising) - Zoë

Miss Tiggy Winkle Prize for Most Distinguished Loon Out Over a Hedgehog - Matthew Wilson

Friedrich Froebel Memorial Medal for the Least Competitive Spirit - Simon

Health and Safety Department Award for Good Hygiene in Baby Pig Licking - Lottie

Le Gateau le Plus Efficace En Prenant Des Photos Des Petits Animaux - Fat Rascal 

Chicktastic Prize for the Chickiest Chicks (sponsored by Heat Magazine) - Maggi

Most Unabashed Knitting Nicking - Mrs J of Cambridge

Most Disgusting Group Sex Photo (Snail Category) - also Mrs J, Cambridge

Best Photo of a Rapid Unroped Feline Ascent Through Three Metres of Wall - Anonjan

Elegant Cake Award for the most Wilful Attempt to Get Round Current Government Daily Guidelines on Recommended Servings of Fruit and Veg - Happy Mouffetard

Most Inadvertently Rude Cake - Black Finger Nail

Mankiest Tomato - Carol from May Dreams. A particularly fine specimen, the Committee noted. 

Tallest Sunflower - at thirteen feet, the easy winner was Swimmom Krissi.

Widest Sunflower - Helen at patientgardener. 

Fattest Pig - WH - who also takes with this snapshot, we are happy to announce, the Sir Gregory Parsloe Parsloe prize for the best digital cheating.

Most Genuinely Fat, Actually Weighed, Pig - Sarah Salway for "Freight Train" 

Finest Stalking of Chris Beardshaw or Similar - Arabella Sock, for the 7th year running.As a result Committee took a unanimous decision to award Mrs Sock the lifetime achievement medal in this category, thus leaving the section open for new talent to develop in the coming year. 

Nature is Ruder than Fiction - Arabella Sock, for the astonishingly, but actually real, chilli. 

Neatest Allotment, plus the Award for Extraordinary Talent in Producing Sunflowers Without Any Actual Summer - GlosterWomble 

Prettiest Beetroots - Mark Diacono at Otter Farm 

Criminally Good Tomatoes - Iris, Society Garlic

Tastiest-Looking Overall Prize for Fruits - Mrs Celestria Alexander-Sinclair

Most-in-Focus Cup, Sponsored by Dollond and Aitchison - WH, for six cherry tomatoes

Absolutely Splendiferously Beauteous Floral Display Including Six Tomatoes - Easygardener from Green Forks

Marvellous Mauve Trophy for Most Glamorously Presented Vegetable Display - Miss Hathorn at Mustard Plaster 

Empire Postato Building Award for Tuber Gigantism - Easygardener from Green Forks

Boo to the Olympics Gold Medal for Vegetative Achievement in the Face of Urban "Regeneration"  - Colleen from rus in urbis 

Alicante RIP Memorial Shield For Variety and Excellence in Tomato Growing - Miss Hathorn at Mustard Plaster

"I Bite Your Blight" Monster Tomato Prize - Yolanda Elizabet tying in a dead points heat with Karen from artistsgarden

Floral Arrangement in the Style of James Alexander-Sinclair - to Yolanda Elizabet for outstanding effort in this category. Runner-up with special mention, J. Alexander-Sinclair. 

Fruit Scone Quality Shield - LindfieldMan

Doily Decorative Achievement - LindfieldMan

Award for Outstanding Contribution to Scone Research, to the person who, in the Committee's opinion, has done most in the preceding twelve months to enlarge our understanding of the Scone - Patientgardener

Penthouse Playmate Award for the Men Only Victoria Sandwich - WH

Not Called Artist For Nothing Cup for the Finest Homemade Seed Receptacles - karen from artistsgarden

Best Animated Short Film Concerning a Continental Pastry or Cake - Arabella Sock

Penile Solanaceae Similarity Shield to Jane at Procrastinators' Progress

The World in a Miniature Garden Trophy for Meaningful Garden Design on a Conceptual Level for Inspiring Spiritual Struggle and Universal Achievements Such as the Olympics - James Alexander-Sinclair

Finally we come to the competition's most hotly-contested categories. These were of course, the hardest to judge. 

Celebrity Portrait in Fruit or Veg 

The Committee agreed the standard had been outstanding and that many of the entrants could have competing in this category at international level. A winner must be chosen, however. First Prize to Lottie for Carrot Klein, followed by Second to James Alexander Sinclair for Wayne and Colleen, and Third to Easygardener for Brangelina Twins Viv and Knox. Well done to all. 

Best Paparazzi-Style Picture of Matthew Wilson, Chris Beardshaw or similar

A fiercely-fought category, as you'd expect from this crowd. 

Third Prize to James A-S for a granny-pleasing shot of Alan Titchmarsh's well-rounded behind. Second Prize to Matthew Wilson for his photo of, hmm, himself. And finally First Prize to VP for Joe and Rachella's glum moment of darkness. A proper off-camera moment captured with great paparazzi skill. 

Sarah Raven Prize for Flower Arranging - After much careful consideration the Committee decided that, in their opinion the arranger channelling most effectively the spirit of Raven was patientgardener. Well done to all entrants as the Committee agreed the standard this year was particularly high. 

Emsworthian Medal for Achievement Across All Categories - Veg Plotting, with particular mention for her Willow Weaving, her dark and thoughtful venture into Programmatic Flower Arranging, and her gorgeous and day-brightening-up Five Dahlias. 

Thank you to all who competed, it has been a most enjoyable affair and all the Committee would like to pass on their thanks to the entrants as well as to the organisers of the event. Our final task is just to announce the winners of the prize giveaway: all the entrants were entered, and four names were picked from a hat earlier by my lovely assistant Samuelantha, as evidenced in the following photo:

The winners are Arabella Sock, Mrs J of Cambridge, LindfieldMan, and Zoë. I will be sending you each a nice present.

NO CATEGORY LIKE SHOW CATEGORY

I have received several entries during the course of my work as secretary that just, well, didn't fit anywhere. So I am just going to bung them in here as they are all very very nice. 

First, Simon sent this saying "Doesn't fit in any categories but it's my favorite pic from my plot this year." I love the total non-competitiveness of this, and I love them snapdragons too.

And this was from Matthew Wilson but there was nowhere obvious for it to go. But what a gorgeous scarecrow. She is Canadian. My mum used to draw faces like that when I was little. 

SHOW PROGRESS, TUESDAY 26TH AUGUST

With only a few days to go now before entries close and the show prizes can be awarded (errrrr, look into that post haste) there has been a fabulous turnout for many categories. 

I would particularly like to congratulate VP for her sterling efforts in entering nearly every category (she's not allowed in the Men Only Baking and her religion forbids her, of course, from making baklava, but apart from that...). 

Celebrity Paparazzi Snaps has been a firm favourite, which doesn't surprise me as we garden bloggers are a shallow, fame-driven lot, apart from Jane Perrone who quite pointedly will not tell who she saw at the Cerne Giant. (Maybe she is going to sell the story to Heat - "SIR X JAGGER CONSULTS ANCIENT FERTILITY SYMBOL IN QUEST FOR ANOTHER BABY". Remember, I told you first.)

Baby Animals also doing rather well. 

Those categories currently not doing so well,  I nevertheless do think deserve some love: so pull out the boat, and load it up with your Jpegs of your largest veg , your biggest sunflower, your scones and your homemade seedpackets. And most of all your Victoria Sponge!

ANNOUNCING THE EMSWORTH VILLAGE SHOW

Welcome to the First Emsworth Village Show, scheduled to take place this year from the 15th-30th August 2008. Entries are already being accepted, so please read on for details of how to submit your prize specimens. We're holding the show in tandem with Veg Plotting's Water Aid extravaganza which also begins on the 15th August, so read all about the good cause and give if you can. 

The show is named in honour of the adorable 9th Earl of Emsworth who, as you may know, exhibits his prize pig the Empress of Blandings each year at the Shrewsbury Show. "At Eton, they called him Fathead", to quote Wikipedia. Only you will know if you have the good spirit of competition epitomised by the Earl, or the downright sneakiness of Sir Gregory Parsloe Parsloe - his great rival in all things piggish. 

Entries can be made in the following categories. 

To enter, please send a small jpeg to anicegreenleaf AT hotmail DOT com, and I will post your entry to the right category. Please specify the category you are entering, just in case it isn't completely obvious. Then you can use the list of posts to the immediate right of this one, to find your exhibit within its category.

I haven't actually hired any judges yet so you might be doing it for the sheer showing off, but I'm sure I can manage to rustle up at least one prize for overall good sportiveness, as well as one for cynical stealing of pictures off Google Images. 

Bless you all, and happy baking. 

Here are the categories in full: 

Handicrafts
Knitted woollen hat, baby mitts, garden blogger or similar
Garden object built of wood

Livestock
Best chicken
Most Impressive garden amphibian or reptile
Fattest Pig

Allotment showoff
Tomatoes (plate of six)
Vegetable collection 1 each of 6 different kinds
Plate of fruit

Most misshapen vegetable

Biggest fastest strongest
Tallest sunflower
Largest vegetable of any kind (with ruler)

Floral achievement
5 dahlias
1 vase sweet peas 9 spikes
Bouquet in the style of Sarah Raven
Floral arrangement in the style of James Alexander-Sinclair

Nigellas With Attitude
6 scones
men only Victoria Sandwich
best baklava

art and design
homemade seed packet
Celebrity portrait made from fruit or veg
best paparazzi–style picture of Matthew Wilson, Chris Beardshaw or similar
Miniature garden

STOP PRESS: PRESERVES BEAUTY CONTEST ANNOUNCED

After a funtabulous day at Wisley and after receiving a fantastic pic I could not resist, I have announced a new preserves category. 

The committee originally decided against including jams and preserves because they would have to be judged purely on looks. (Unless you can also manage to stump up a photo of someone guzzling your preserve, whilst making an expression of indescribable bliss.) If the world was judged just on looks, no one would ever eat lime marmalade, which would definitely make it a worse world in my book. Judging preserves merely on their looks seems to me to directly relate to the superficiality of today's modern supermarket culture.

However I then secured a £3million contract from Sainsbury's and now I don't care anymore. Let's proceed on the assumption that it's all about Lookin' Good. 

19 august

Anyway look - the first entry is this, from Amanda at SomeoneElse's Kitchen: "You'll notice that marrow features in them rather a lot," she says, very endearingly. 
 

26 august

From VP, a really bittersweet story: "Here's the preserves entry I'm submitting on behalf of my mother in law. Hubby had to clear her house out last week as it was sold (she's now in a home), so we've 'inherited' various jars of jam. It's quite poignant really as it shows that only 2 years ago, she was still capable of making her garden's surplus into the jam we've been enjoying for so long. So this is my tribute to her."

STOP PRESS: NEW "SWEET LITTLE BABY ANIMALS" CATEGORY ANNOUNCED

I knew I was missing something. I had that feeling but I couldn't put my finger on it. However today's tragic news, mourned the nation over ('cept probably in Devon) has made me think we all need cheering up. I haven't got anything particularly strong against Buckland, except that in general I detest Bucklands. Though William Buckland was okay, I guess. but still, depression reigns. Or should that be rains. 

Anyway in my family, we know there is nothing that cheers a cove up more than a nice picture of a sweet little baby animal. 

So here you go. Surely you'd have to be the Queen of Narnia to have a heart cold enough to resist the aptly captioned "Stag Beetle Boy goes Hoggy" seen above. Awwwwwwww......

8pm update

I can see already that this category is going to be a great success. Look what Lottie just sent! A baby licking a pig! Sorry I mean kissing. 

And I have one to add which is one of my favourite sweet pictures: Baby Bing Bong, a little fox that some piratical friends of mine in Sussex looked after for a few days.

14 august

2 from Zoë - first, her "breaking the law and handrearing an orphaned grey squirrel." Is that the social law that says never do anything nice for squirrels, or an actual Parliament law? Sounds intriguing...

And then (my fave) 

Wayne the Chavfinch!

"My daughter Robyn holding a newly fledge Chaffinch who had flown into the french doors of the cottage, he was somewhat dazed and confused, and didnt fly off for about half an hour. Meanwhile he starred in his own photofest."

19 august

Yummy, french baby animals from Fat Rascal: " The horses have bigger bottoms than the pigs!" Baby horses, though, awwwwwwww.....

19 August
Some more pigs from James A-S: as they are baby porkers, I have filed them in this category.
"Here are some more pigs (Tamworths from Hampton Court, 2007). The fact that they were in the Daily Mail pavilion should not be held against them. They were the particular favourites of Hayley Monckton (press honcho for the RHS)".

Look what Maggi just sent! Awwwww....

"Emily's Chicks. These are some of the 16 who grew up in the paint pots in the outhouse. They had hatched under an escallonia at the front of the house with only the grass verge between them and the road and at grave risk from the dreaded foxy gentleman. Catching 16 newly hatched chicks in front of their distraught parent takes some doing but she did follow me very willingly once I had got them all into a box! They all survived their infancy but sadly said foxy not-so-gentleman had a field day one afternoon........not pleasant to come home to."

( Here they are growing up amongst the paint pots! )

26 august
ooh! We haven't had one of these yet!
This was a Ms J of Cambridge spot: "The duckling, which we saw in a park in St Neots, had a very negligent mother who was much more interested in people bearing food than she was in taking care of her offspring, so we can only hope it survived to adult duckhood."

28 August

Two great ones from Anonjan! First, "the world’s boldest kitten literally climbing the walls." 

How do they doooo that?

"And to add a little culture to the proceedings, my 2 kittens’ entry for the Turner Prize, which has no baby animals in it, but is entitled ‘The need to create family ties and bonds when you have just been adopted’ . Very moving. Well, I thought so."

Indeed, moving, for it questions the essential assumptions we all have about identity, separateness and difference, seeking to show that all of us are entangled in webs of juxtaposed relationships (that's enough now, Ed.) 

Fat Rascal: "Here are two baby donks we met on a day out in the Aveyron! In the second photo it looks like my friend has removed its head, but she'd just found that spot behind the ears which was scratch heaven -hence its expression!"

HANDICRAFTS 1: KNITTEN WOOLLEN HAT, BABY MITTS, GARDEN BLOGGER OR SIMILAR

14 august 

Hurray! Check these babies out! Well not actual babies, but things that are knitted from wool! 

VP sends this: is there no end to that woman's energy? She says: "It's surprising what a very wet day in February will make you do. This is my own design and fits a small cafetiere."
Yes, but in my case a wet day in February will make me eat a half pound bar of Dairy Milk and then cry.

She also sends this: "Very cold days in February also call for desperate measures. I could have got a body double in, but I decided to do my own hand modelling. Note the clean fingernails in spite of hours of gardening - soap under them usually does the trick."

Hmm, yes. So probably would actually washing the hands. I think basically I am just dirty. I don't even notice there's soil under my fingernails till I'm in a shop and someone's staring at my hands slightly fascinated. One thing is true, I will never be French.

I especially like the touch of bling in this photo (check out that left hand ring finger, girl!).

26 August
Ms J of Cambridge writes: "Firstly a photo for the knitted handicrafts category which I have cynically stolen off Google images (do I get a prize?) - my excuses are that the last time I tried to knit something it took me seven years & I thought you probably couldn't wait that long, and also - ooh look, it's got my name on it! I found it on this blog which deserves to be credited if only because I love the idea of punk rock knitters."

HANDICRAFTS 2: GARDEN OBJECT BUILT OF WOOD. INCLUDES HEDGEHOG HIBERNACULA

10th August, 22.33pm

From Lottie: check this beauty out. Of a standard to make Matthew Wilson cry like a baby, get out his chequebook and order one on the spot. 

And here's VP's effort, some extremely impressive homemade rustic fence. Eat your heart out Joe Swift. She writes: 

"I'd like to enter something I made at evening class. It's this rather nice piece of rustic fence made from hazel and willow."

13 august

This just in, from Hibernaculum specialist Matthew Wilson. It's a "stag beetle hotel", I'm told, because only the best is good enough for that man's menagerie. It even has azaleas, which some people might say was taking things just that little bit too far. 

LIVESTOCK 1: BEST CHICKEN

Hen, rooster, capon, whatever. Just let it be known that I am extremely favouritist towards Booted Bantams. 

7th August, 23: 21pm, From James A-S: "A particularly feathery Buff Orpington Hen. Beautiful but very thick." 

My first thought: thick is an odd choice of word, but ah yes, the hen is a little chunky. My second thought: oh I see, he meant stupid.

7th August: And from Lottie, the following best chicken:

21 August

From Maggi Dunn, awwww!

and from Veg Plotting. She says:

"Daisy's a very dischuffed chook at the moment because I've entered Maisie in your Best Chicken category. Here she is, doing her best to find sustenance from our gravel path on a gloomy summer's day."

22 August

Maggi sent this of her rooster - what a hero, a proper Chanticleer:

and she also enclosed some of her fairly rowdy-looking geese caught in mid-squawk - I love it! And then one of them looking a bit more demure...

26 august
Wicked chickens. Says Ms J, of Cambridge: "The chickens live at Boscobel House, and were begging for crumbs under our table when we had tea there, and doing an outstanding impression of feather dusters."

What kind of chicken is that white one? Is it even really a chicken? does anyone have the requisite countryside lore for a sure id?

LIVESTOCK 2: MOST IMPRESSIVE GARDEN AMPHIBIAN OR REPTILE

Can I just reiterate, send me a jpeg. Not the actual critter. 

A talented frog, from VP's garden. She says: "I have many amphibians in the garden, but this one has a special talent - it can tell the time!"

18 August

Amanda says, from Consecon, Ontario: "They're not terribly impressive in themselves, I suppose. But you've got to be impressed by the way that I got them to line up for this photo!" 

On the contrary, I find them both impressive and slightly scary. They are Northern Leopard Frogs, btw. Check out her blog for more amazing stories of life as a transplanted Canadian; in particular a gross caterpillar that frankly gives the whole genre a bad name.

And from James A-S - with a title quoting the Frank Sinatra classic:

"One for my baby (and one more for the Toad)".

If you don't mind me saying those toads look remarkably horny. 

19 August

Just check this dude out! It's from Fat Rascal, who says: 

"You have here - Peep the toad. He's a midwife toad (alytes obstreticans) and peeps - a lot!"

Loving that Latin name! 

Another good Frenchie one from Fat Rascal: "The big green lizard who lives by my pond." 

It looks like a dinosaur, are you sure it's safe?

Finally today, Happy Mouffetard encloses this snap with the following complaint:

"I was shocked at your blatant 'invertebratist' class of "impressive garden amphibian or reptile", so am submitting a 'wildcard' entry. My concrete octopus is the guardian of the Gunnera. Just because he doesn't have a backbone doesn't mean he has no feelings!"

Happy M, I must apologise: I do not have a problem with invertebrates generally (and in fact if anyone has a particularly good New Forest Shield Bug photo they want to send in, be my guest). I am not even prejudiced against the crustaceans. My problem is simply Molluscophobia, owing to the incident of August 1976 involving a Scallop and Blackberry Crumble with Clotted Cream.  I'd rather we didn't mention it again, as even now it can still cause me pain (and a degree of nausea) but in a gesture of good faith I post the pic. 

22 August

Moved some fuchsias today and found one of my frogs, who have been missing for weeks. Very happy to see this young lady, especially as I caught her hanging about next to two different types of mollusc:

However, I will not be expecting her to eat this monster (note dirty fingernails).

26 august
Ms J. of Cambridge sends the following, after I demanded the snap: 

"I've attached the snail orgy. Or as one person said on a wildlife thread where I posted it, they're "having a cuddle, ah bless". I think she was joking."

And also from Mrs J: "This is for the most impressive garden amphibian or reptile - not a particularly impressive frog as such, but it is doing a very impressive balancing act on a bit of Euonymus between two pots - there is nothing underneath it but leaves."
Very impressive. Get on the phone to Cirque du Soleil would be my advice. 

I get to enter one because of FINDING A SLOWWORM AT THE ALLOTMENT on thursday evening (well my boyfriend did but I had the camera).

From Happy Mouffetard, last minute: "The gods have been smiling on me this afternoon - I managed to stumble across this fine creature at the allotment. Not a great photo, as we only take the small camera down the plot but he's a handsome beastie."

LIVESTOCK 3: FATTEST PIG

I'm prepared to consider pig pictures of most kinds, but I do accept there might be some cheating in this category. In fact, I think it would be dishonouring the spirit of Wodehouse if there was not to be at least a little infringment of the rules. 

19.18 Wednesday 6th

Have just received this from a Sir Georgey Rapsole Rapsole. I can't think why, but I find this entry a little fishy. Nevertheless it is a fine pig so I include it, despite my reservations.

 

22.55pm 7th August - from James A-S. He says, displaying admirable and yet slightly sickening honesty: "Strictly speaking these pigs belong to Beardshaw - from his garden at Malvern last year". They are exceedingly fat, if I may say so. 

12 August

Veg Plotting gives a good old story behind this particularly well-marked pig:

Well, First Great Western's inability to get me connected with my train home from Bath after yesterday's day trip to Weymouth (resulting in a hour's wait for the next one :( ), resulted in a bit of an upside as I spotted this pig on the platform at the station.

It's part of King Bladud's Pigs - a public art installation in Bath until the end of September. 100 of these have been distributed around Bath and local villages and there's a trail leaflet detailing where they all are. Be warned - some friends went round Bath for 5 hours last week and only copped 34 of them. Any resemblance to Liverpool's Superlambanana is pure coincidence. Some are by pretty famous artists and all will be up for auction for charity (for Sustrans - reserve price £1500) in October. This one was done by a local school.

13 august

This came with the label "Paparazzi porky pigs", which seems extremely mean, after you spot that the photo also contains Matthew Wilson. 

On the other hand, it was him who sent it to me, so I feel sort of alright about posting it. Though not completely, because it's so frightfully self-deprecating. Doesn't any of the love we send his way ever actually get through?

14 august

The Black Finger Nail surpasses their own naily self with this wonderful cake, baked for a special porky birthday. Fat Rascal must be suitably covetous.

Enclosed with the snap was the following message:

"After seeing King Bladud's pigs here in Bath - I got too excited and mixed up the pigs with the Victoria Sponge competition! The cake's ingredients comprised 6 tomatoes on a plate, some mis-shapen vegetables, a very tall sunflower and a flower arrangement in the shape of James Alexander-Sinclair. Do I win best in Sow?"

I should think you are at least in with a chance, BFN.

From Fat Rascal in ze depths of France (au diable vert I believe is the technical term):

"Three not very fat pigs but you have to admire the grouping! Not many scraps fall off an Auvergnat table into the swill, sadly. They belong to the next door farm."

Still, one can dream: they are optimistically labelled "Charcuterie".

I finally got round to digging out the pig pictures I took at my friend Mark Diacono's in Wincanton. Mark is Britain's premier climate change farmer, and I had gone down there to see his olive grove being planted. He is part of the River Cottage Mafia and shares that sort of terrifying Fearnley-W energy and enthusiasm. Anyway, if you ever want to know anything about growing peaches, or almonds, or szechuan pepper, or mulberries, or pecans, he's your man, and his pig is your pig. 

20 August

I yet again solicited some snaps - this time from Sarah Salway on the recommendation of Garden Monkey. The pig is called "Freight Train", and I think could arguably even give the Empress of Blandings a run for her money in the fat pig category. Sarah says: 

"Here's Freight Train - not mine, but on show at the Iowa State Fair. Not sure anyone would beat this one!!!!"

22 August

I didn't think Freight Train could be beaten - none of us did. So imagine my shock and awe when I received this in an email from WH this morning - he added: "My nephew found this in the back garden. It was a normal size but he blew it up with a bike pump."

Maggi's isn't the fattest pig (see above). But it is the sweetest....

A last minute under-the-wire entry from Arabella Sock: "The parsley pig isn't enormous but it is a big fat waste of space! It has lurked under my pittosporum for 15 years after being given it as one of those useless and annoying Chrimbo pressies - slightly more useful than the do it yourself bonsai kit complete with tiny terracotta pot and seed! Clearly you can't grow parsley in it."

And one final one - from Colleen who has an allotment at Mudchute, Europe's largest City Farm in the shadow of Canary Wharf. "The pigs come from Mudchute too and look like Tamworths. Very handy
for eating those courgettes that grow that just a little bit too big." 

ALLOTMENT SHOWOFF 1: TOMATOES, PLATE OF SIX

10th August

these 6 gorgeous tomatoes belong to Iris from Society Garlic 

She is a woman of many talents, including being a crime reporter, so watch what you say about these beauties. She's another Austin blogger, so while I say tomato, she probably says tomato, but I have no wish to call anything off as a result. Aren't they gorgeous? Sorry, I'll stop going on about it now. 

13 august

From Blackpitts, with the following caveat: 

"Okay. So there are only five tomatoes and they are not on a plate."

definitely nice ones though.

19 August

The superior ripening qualities of the French climate are in evidence in Fat Rascal's entry, but even the FR only managed to get five tomatoes. Never mind this show could never be described as "strict", really. Thems beauties. They model themselves in several different locations, too, to show off their Carla-Bruni-like versatility:

Tomato "Tarzan":

my personal favourite, Tomato "Don't Fence Me In":

21 August

WH sends these tippety-top class cherry toms, with the following note: 

"Technically these are scrumped from my flatmate. If nothing else I think they might clinch the most-in-focus prize?" 

Hmm. I don't think I was planning to award a prize for most-in-focus, but on the other hand, the village show must move with these digital times. Consider the gong awarded.

26 august
VP's having the same problems as everyone else: "Here's my tomato entry. It's a mummy tomato with her babies - sadly this is likely to be my only chance to enter the this category as blight is ripping through the rest of them :("

27 August

These tomatoes could go in for Sarah Raven! Look at them! They look amazing! Easygardener from Green Forks shows off the produce, adding: "Thought I'd enter these before I ate them." 

Rubbing our noses in it! 

A final absolutely gorgeous entry from MissHathorn at Mustard Plaster. Aren't they just something else? Six tomatoes on a plate: (clockwise from the top) Omar's Lebanese, Golden Queen, Tondino di Madura, Pineapple, Green Bell, Yellow Ruffles.

And one more from City Girl Colleen at rus in urbis

ALLOTMENT SHOWOFF 2: MIXED VEGETABLES OF SIX KINDS

19 August

I expect that most of you are sensibly waiting till the last possible moment to show off your veg, monster-grower-style. However, Amanda has taken the plunge after I begged her to on seeing her gorgeous veg on her blog. Honestly, doesn't it look amazing? Ooh, the dinners I could make with that. 

Also got permission from Glosterwomble to finagle this picture from its spot on the GW blog cos it was just sooooo gorgeous: 

21 August

Mark Diacono, climate change farmer at Otter Farm, sent me this totallllllllllyyyyy gorgeous picture. He has been leading the garden team at River Cottage, so I guess he has an advantage there. But if that wasn't knackering enough he is currently writing Veg Patch: River Cottage Handbook Number 4 (following up Pam Corbin's really great one about Preserves, which is currently my favourite cup-of-tea reading) - it'll be out in March next year, but you can already buy it on Amazon!

22 August

From Lottie's lotty! 

26 august
These veg are special - grown practically in the shadow of the City of London. Check out Rus in Urbis for more pics of how to live a very satisfactory country life in the heart of E1.

27 August

Now a two-parted show-off of Northants' "Plethora of Produce" by Mr J. Alexander-Sinclair: In most uxorious fashion, it is on behalf of Mrs C. Alexander-Sinclair. She obviously has a nice touch with the veg. Is that even a melon in there? Sickening isn't it? 

One last, very beautiful entry from MissHathorn at Mustard Plaster. 

ALLOTMENT SHOWOFF 3: PLATE OF FRUIT, mixed or of one kind only

10th August, 22.46pm

Check these beauties out! VP's 12 raspberries, on raspberry leaves... Will anyone really be able to do better? It's hard to say... Watch this space...

PS In breaking news, VP reveals she has eaten her own entry. Whatever next?

19 august

Happy Mouffetard's fruit entry began extremely well with these lovely juicy apples, (particularly tempting-looking for those of us currently subsisting on the floury final week of South African Braeburns from Sainsburys Local). 

Next is something much naughtier, though. The Blessed Mouff actually goes so far as to try and claim such a cake could have health benefits: 

"The raspberries aren't as well matched as VP's, but they are on (and in) a raspberry ripple cheesecake. I should imagine that a slice of that contains at least one of your five fruit and veg a day, so it must be good for you." 

Hmm, HM, I think you are missing the point rather wilfully. But nevertheless, mmmmm.... delish. 

ALLOTMENT SHOWOFF 4: MOST MISSHAPEN VEGETABLE

Whether it be due to the powers of genetics, or be down to the dark workings of Satan himself, please send me your jpegs of the most malformed specimens you've found growing in your beds. Obviously, there are bonus points for rude ones. 

8th August 11.22am

Okay Arabella's entry is just SO rude that I've had to put it somewhere else to avoid offence to innocent eyes. I have told at least one child to read up on the contest vis a vis miniature gardens / scone making so I hope I don't come across as a total Christine Odone. Oh god life was simpler in the days of John Betjeman when all you had to worry about was your son being a bit gay up a tree with his friend Bobby.

10th August 19.48pm

Carol from May Dreams Gardens (who organises Garden Bloggers Bloom Day) has kindly sent in her humungous tomato, with a reference to the very entertaining post about its anatomy. Check out this monster!

11th august

This just came from Veg Plotting: "the real Mr Potato Head", she says. Another impressive entry drawing on the general weirdness of the Solanaceae, no doubt about it. 

19 August

From Fat Rascal:  "the inevitable rude carrot!"

A final very gorgeous tomato from MissHathorn at MustardPlaster

BIGGEST FASTEST STRONGEST 1: TALLEST SUNFLOWER

Krissi just sent me this - she says: 

"This sunflower grew from a seed that dropped in the soil from last years garden. As it began to grow we weren't even sure what it was but as it continued to grow and grow and grow we figured it out. It has been lots of fun and our neighbors have commented on it since it is very visible even over out six foot fence. Last measurement before the sunflower stopped growing was just over 13 feet."

This photo is just totally laugh-out-loud irresistible, I reckon. And check out Krissi's blog for more Garden Olympics!

Helen (aka patientgardener) says "I am entering my dwarf sunflower (3ft tall) which has an exceptionally large flower for its height, its siblings have much smaller flowers."That's okay Helen, here at Emsworth show we positively encourage creativity with respect to the rules!

BIGGEST FASTEST STRONGEST 2: LARGEST VEG OF ANY KIND

Please put a ruler in your photo for scale. Or a small teenager if you have one. 

22 August

It's a monster! "One ginormous tomato send in by Yolanda Elizabet"

27 August

Some more monster produce just popped into my inbox. Check these goliaths out! 

From easy gardener at Green Forks, who says "I thought the Empire State Building would add validation to my potato's claim of greatness." Undoubtedly, EG.

And then what about this from Karen at artistsgarden? Regular readers may know that Karen is originally from Lapland where they measure everything in Lapp inches, which are about two and a half European metres in size. This is a Lapp ruler, making these tomatoes a fine and worthy competitor for the empire state potato.

Happy Mouffetard sent me this: "If Karen at Artist's Garden can enter her huge tomatoes, then I see her and raise her a giant cabbage. I'm slightly too young to remember pre-decimal coinage (except when playing for them in vicious card games as a child), but I believe that the coins were considerably larger in olden days, hence the use of a huge 2p as scale for my red cabbage. We ate well that night!"

29th august

I did not think those others could be beaten. And yet I find today that Lottie has sent me a pumpkin the size of a small asteroid. Check it out!

Tiny! What was she thinking of? That'll never win against all these other titans!

From Misshathorn at MustardPlaster. I just put it in for sheer pity, really. 

FLORAL ACHIEVEMENT 1: FIVE DAHLIAS

16.08pm 8th august

look at these beauties, five "Moonfire"  submitted by Veg Plotting. I feel she has set the bar extremely high. If you look at the photo you can see (she points out) them also growing in the garden outside.

11 August

James A-S's fabulously classy five "Arabian Nights". He is just so damn classy, Seattle. 

13 August

The Dahlia category hots up with these gorgeous orange blooms from Zoë. Carol Klein recently wrote in the Guardian in praise of orange, and seeing these I'm inclined to agree entirely with the Mighty Klein.

18 August

Another orange extravaganza, this time from patientgardener. Boodiful. 

31 August

Very special dahlias from Colleen at rusinurbis, because the tubers came from her old allotments (the infamous Manor Park ones removed to make way for the Olympic site) to her new one, at Mudchute. Sniff. Rehomed dahlias. It's enough to make you get tearful. 

FLORAL ACHIEVEMENT 2: SWEET PEAS

Shall we say nine spikes? or seven?

13 august

this is my entry. Sadly my sweet peas have just got to that stage where their stems go all short and the leaves get mildewy and pathetic, so I had to dig this out from July (they have been great up till now though; armfuls of them). 

I couldn't find a picture of just sweet peas, but maybe this tempting foreground salad will persuade you to like my sw.peas the best? 

Also some slug rings in the photo, just to remind us all that gardening is hard work. 

18 August

I'm sorry, but will you just look at these beauties from patientgardener. Almost enough to make you believe in summer....

19 august

Glorious sweet peas from the cake-faced Fat Rascal. 

"These are this year's sweet peas. Like yours, the stems are too short to cut now so the vase was from earlier in the summer. They are all from Matthewman's seed, the bright pink one on the plant is "Milly" and the lilac one is "Ethel Grace"!"

FLORAL ACHIEVEMENT 3: BOUQUET IN THE STYLE OF SARAH RAVEN

14 August

Glosterwomble finally gets this category off to a stupendous start, with a totally Ravenesque arrangement of Velvet Queen sunflowers and carnations. Check out the Glosterwomble site if you want to see literally the neatest allotment I've ever seen in my entire life. A lesson to us all. In a nice way.

18 August

some seriously Ravenous competition for Glosterwomble, with this fantastic effort from patientgardener. Look at the dahlias on that, Mrs! 

19 August

Look at this beauty, first seen on Karen's artist's garden blog: mmmm, very SR, especially the artichoke.

22 August

Quick email from VP who was just heading off for Festival of the Tree at Westonbirt. She says:

"Now I know La Raven advocates the blousiest of bouquets, but I have seen her do single blooms too. Admittedly they're usually tiny and lined up in a number of matching bud vases, but when a friend comes for coffee and presents you with a single stem like these freshly plucked from her garden, and your hubby has just bought back a rather fine crystal vase after dismantling his mother's home, what else can a girl do but this?"

Very true, m'dear. 

22 August

Some Dutch entries from Yolanda Elizabet to put us to shame! She says: "Flower arrangement, well more an autumn display (does that count?) by Yolanda Elizabet : Reallife With Pumpkins! The kitten is called Pumpkin too, Polly Pumpkin McMain. Revoltingly cute arrangement, I know. ;-)" 

It's ridiculously cute!

Secondly, "A wonderful arrangement of nasturtiums and Maine Coon, send in by Miss Dolly Daisy McMain who is also the centre of this wonderfully vibrant display. It's called: Eat Your Heart Out Sarah Raven".

FLORAL ACHIEVEMENT 4: ARRANGEMENT IN THE STYLE OF JAMES ALEXANDER-SINCLAIR

James A-S is of course admired the world over for his unique flower arranging skills. 

Whilst I am not suggesting we could do anything like as good, at least have a go, eh?

7th Aug

James has kindly sent in a reference Jpeg of one of his creations, with the following annotation: "This is my original effort so badly trounced by J.Swift. ('A fix, a fix' I hear the multitude cry and I cannot help but agree with them.)"

I cannot see why this extraordinary talent of his has gone unrecognised, frankly. 

8th august, 12 midday 

Why didn't anyone tell me flower arranging was so hard? I have new respect for people who just manage to get the flowers in one place without making all the petals fall off. 

Here is my debut effort: I think I should have listened to what Raven was banging on about with the three heights and the three foliages or whatever it was. It has bits of wisteria for ikebana spread, dahlias, hebe and canna lily. Is that any good? Hmm. Anyway, I was trying to capture the irrepressible force of James and his colourful enthusiasm in my floral art.

12 aug

Veg Plotting has gone a bit dark with this one. "You'll see I'm quite good at recycling ideas as well as rubbish! Of course it's a statement about the condition of our world today - an ever increasing descent into decay..."

although I think she might be joking.

22 August

From Yolanda Elizabet, "trug with some flowers bunged in, send in by Yolanda Elizabet and it's called: Even JAS Can Do It". 

Tee hee! 

NIGELLAS WITH ATTITUDE 1: 6 SCONES

Following Scone Protocols developed 2008 by Pete Free, these should be entirely free of mixed peel. Scones containing any such minging substances will be immediately disqualified. 

21 August
Hurray! We have scones!

This message came with these six beauties:
"Dear Anice, I made these scones this morning for your Emsworth Village Show, together with the doily which is not as good as my Mother would have done ( the doily, not the scones). On second thoughts her scones would have been better too. I assiduously picked out all the peel as recommended, but I’m not sure. Good luck with the water target. Yours ever Lindfieldman."

Very last minute from Helen (aka patientgardener) who says: "Hi - here is my entry for the scone category. Sorry its a bit last minute - been away and also forgot. Anyway, much to my boys' delight I have rustled up these scones. I tried various recipes earlier in the year as my friend was opening her garden for our club and wanted to serve cream teas! Being abit of a perfectionist I was determined to make light and fluffy scones. I tried Delia and Gary but no joy and then I tried Nigella - fantastic. These scones look heavy but they are really light thanks to the cream of tartare and they are very moorish!"

NIGELLAS WITH ATTITUDE 2: MEN ONLY VICTORIA SANDWICH

Despite this category's practically pornographic title, it really is all about the bike. I mean bake. 

Here's the recipe: get on with it, then. 

27 august

From Blackpitts: the nerve of it. "My apologies but I am shamefully underskilled in the sponge cake department. However, I offer a Jaffa Cake On A Mossy Brick as an alternative. I hope that the judges will see the potential. (A Jaffa Cake is a bit spongy unless you leave it out overnight when it gets a little crispy)"

29 August

A REAL Victoria Sponge baked last weekend specifically for the competition by my boyfriend. When asked to comment on the baking process, he said:

"It is really quite difficult to do a men only victoria sponge when your girlfriend likes to intefere with every aspect, but I did manage it, until it came to the eating part."

 It was, I must say, an exceedingly good cake. 

NIGELLAS WITH ATTITUDE 3: BEST BAKLAVA

Here's where the competition hots up. Will anyone actually bother making their own? Under the circumstances I will accept photos taken of other people's good baklava, as long as you have tasted of the sweetmeats and can vouch for their tastiness. 

11th August 

A work of extreme genius from the Sock. 

31 august
One from me. I made these to Nigella's recipe. They tasted delish. 

I will just say one thing though : don't get it in your hair.

ART AND DESIGN 1: HOMEMADE SEED PACKETS

These are some I found on Flickr that were made to Gayla Trail's instructions, but feel free to be as creative as you like. Warning, though: I will disappointedly have to disqualify any using images of unicorns. 

19 August

A lesson in why you must label your seeds, and then a lesson in how to, from Karen at the gorgeous artistsgarden. 

Front:

And back:

ART AND DESIGN 2: CELEBRITY PORTRAIT MADE OF FRUIT OR VEG

Rather than plumping for the usual vegetable animal, we thought we'd go for something a little more A-list. Extra points will be scored for serious political caricature.

8th August

Lottie kicking us off with a belter - it's only Indiana Joe potato head!

12 August

Look! Oh my god it's so cool! Easygardener has sent this "Portrait of the Brangelina Twins Vivienne Marcheline and Knox Leon. Knox is on the right". It's adorable! 

13 August

From Lottie: it's "Carrot Klein" ! A remarkable resemblance, if I may say so.

14 Aug

James A-S: "the entire Holland football team."

And a few of their supporters, too, by the looks of it.  

15 aug

Another good one from Blackpitts this morning: it's "Wayne and Colleen (Wayne is on the left)". I didn't know James felt that way about Colleen, but she definitely does have a peachy complexion.  

19 aug
Celebrity look-a-like from James A-S, an uncanny resemblance between Britain's greatest 20th century poet and a dodgy old fruit :

W.H. Auden

A wrinkly pear

19 August

From Fat Rascal: a carrot strangely reminiscent "of the corduroy trousers of a certain GW presenter."

ART AND DESIGN 3: BEST PAPARAZZI-STYLE PHOTO OF MATTHEW WILSON, CHRIS BEARDSHAW OR SIMILAR

This one of Beardy, whilst promising in terms of showing his other more devilish side, is out of focus. Don't follow my example, try to do better than me. 

Interim report 7th August 22.55pm

This category is quickly shaping up to be one of the most competitive. 

A legendary snap from James A-S, subtitled "choo choo ch'boogie":

A very nice one from Lottie:

Proper paparazzi insider snaps of hardcore celebrity gardener raving:

Another corker from James A-S's collection: this one labelled: "A.Titchmarsh asking to be Excused"

Ms Sock demonstrates her own inimitable way with a celebrity snap - let's hope this isn't her only entry in this category:

09.19am 8th August Some final man-on-man action from James A-S's collection; the comment reads "Joe Swift being assaulted by a stalker". 

This photo is totally my favourite, anyway. 

And then a mirror to the picture above: "Cleve West assaulting the stalker":

Friday 8th August

This from Ms Sock."A picture of a certain person lurking in the bushes!! He was in the distance and has been very enlarged here hence the poor quality! Funny look on his face though! More to come.."

 I find myself simply impressed by the paparazzi verité of it all. What was M even doing in the bushes? Perhaps he was actually stalking Ms Sock? I hope he did not have a tartan picnic rug with him. 

And finally for today, Gardenballet of the Unofficial Chris Beardshaw Fan Club took this, which was passed to us by a caring intermediary: 

10th August

Some more good entries, this time from Zoe: 

"Charlie Dimmock sleeping on the job".

"Cleve West directing proceedings,"

"Andrew Wilson incarcerated,"

and "Titch in the Marsh" - Alan Titchmarsh's legs. 

I especially like the Dimmock one but the Titch one has a sort of compositional grace that I'm really enjoying too!

13 august

As I said above, the instructions said this could qualify in two different categories, but for lovers of pigs and Matthew Wilson, here you go again:

MW also submits this photo of The Mighty Klein, subtitled "Amaaaaazing!", which she bloody is.

14 August 

Another premium rate date for paparazzis preying on the lifestyles of the rich and famous. VP sends this beauty - one of my faves so far - what are they thinking about? They look like a long-married couple attending their children's school play who had an argument in the car on the way there. Not that I would know. 

And look! The biter got bit! Someone caught the sock starkers! 

!!!!

19 August

Embarassingly, I have just found these two snaps in the depths of my inbox. I'm really sorry! I have sent and received about 250 emails about Emsworth, that's my only defence. And I have just cleared the backlog, so hopefully everyone's pics are now up! 

From Lottie: 
"Carol very kindly pushed down the script the guy was holding when she saw me so I could take this pic - she's great!"

More love for the Mighty Klein. 

And also from Lottie: "Andy S and Charlie D at Chelsea 2006 - sharing a joke."

21 August

David Beckham aerating some turf last night. Does this count as celebrity gardening? Hmm, I think it probably does. 

Lastly, a wonderful double celebrity hit: "This was taken by a paparazzi of Chris Beardshaw at Chelsea 2006 being berated by some mad woman about his killing her hebe!"

ART AND DESIGN 4: MINIATURE GARDEN

I save the very best for last. The category which commands ultimate respect in my house: the category which requires the steadiness of hand of a brain surgeon combined with the horticultural skills of a Japanese bonsai master.  Bring on your miniature masterpieces! 

13 august

James A-S sends this: 

"To the uneducated it may well look like a load of old weeds that somebody dumped in a plastic pot and forgot to do anything about for over a year but...
to the savvy gardener it is obvious that a great deal of thought and effort has gone into the creation of this exuberant celebration of nature's beneficence.
Symbolic of mans struggle against the hostile futilty of life.
Emblematic of the great spiritual heights which we as gardeners and citizens of the universe can attain.
A metaphor for modern life and a thought provoking homage to the works of Chicory Tip."

Meanwhile, I saw the garden shown below in Sussex while at a wedding. I think everyone got a bit confused about why I was taking photos pointing in the opposite direction from the bride and groom but, well, I never really liked those two anyway. 

18 August

VP sends another entry - look at this gorgeous little assemblage. 

"My soil's limy, so I have a homage to Japanese Gardens in a pot. I'm surprised they didn't give up the ghost ages ago! It's an Acer shirasawanum 'Aureum', 2 Pieris japonica 'Little Heath' and a Rhododendron Diamant Group. All in one pot and thriving somehow..."

ADULTS ONLY - ARE YOU OVER 18?

I TOLD YOU IT WAS RUDE.

Although I have to say, on second look it doesn't look that misshapen at all. 

27 August

Two disgraceful jpegs from Jane at Procrastinators' Progress. You should be ashamed of yourself young lady. I am! 

(On the other hand, check out her blogs for some tasty cakes, mmmm.... Maybe I will forgive her after all.)