The judging team have worked hard into the night. The results are in. Before I say anything else, I would just like to say that we are a judging team educated at a Froebel Demonstration School. That means we don't really care about rules and we prefer play over, well, pretty much everything else. With that proviso, I would like to announce that the Committee have decided to make the following awards this year:
Most Creative Use of Marrow. And also Marrow - Amanda, Someone Else's Kitchen
Outlaw Degenerate Supreme (Prize awarded with respect to grey squirrel raising) - Zoë
Miss Tiggy Winkle Prize for Most Distinguished Loon Out Over a Hedgehog - Matthew Wilson
Friedrich Froebel Memorial Medal for the Least Competitive Spirit - Simon
Health and Safety Department Award for Good Hygiene in Baby Pig Licking - Lottie
Le Gateau le Plus Efficace En Prenant Des Photos Des Petits Animaux - Fat Rascal
Chicktastic Prize for the Chickiest Chicks (sponsored by Heat Magazine) - Maggi
Most Unabashed Knitting Nicking - Mrs J of Cambridge
Most Disgusting Group Sex Photo (Snail Category) - also Mrs J, Cambridge
Best Photo of a Rapid Unroped Feline Ascent Through Three Metres of Wall - Anonjan
Elegant Cake Award for the most Wilful Attempt to Get Round Current Government Daily Guidelines on Recommended Servings of Fruit and Veg - Happy Mouffetard
Most Inadvertently Rude Cake - Black Finger Nail
Mankiest Tomato - Carol from May Dreams. A particularly fine specimen, the Committee noted.
Tallest Sunflower - at thirteen feet, the easy winner was Swimmom Krissi.
Widest Sunflower - Helen at patientgardener.Fattest Pig - WH - who also takes with this snapshot, we are happy to announce, the Sir Gregory Parsloe Parsloe prize for the best digital cheating.
Most Genuinely Fat, Actually Weighed, Pig - Sarah Salway for "Freight Train"
Finest Stalking of Chris Beardshaw or Similar - Arabella Sock, for the 7th year running.As a result Committee took a unanimous decision to award Mrs Sock the lifetime achievement medal in this category, thus leaving the section open for new talent to develop in the coming year.
Neatest Allotment, plus the Award for Extraordinary Talent in Producing Sunflowers Without Any Actual Summer - GlosterWomble
Prettiest Beetroots - Mark Diacono at Otter Farm
Criminally Good Tomatoes - Iris, Society Garlic
Tastiest-Looking Overall Prize for Fruits - Mrs Celestria Alexander-Sinclair
Most-in-Focus Cup, Sponsored by Dollond and Aitchison - WH, for six cherry tomatoes
Absolutely Splendiferously Beauteous Floral Display Including Six Tomatoes - Easygardener from Green Forks
Marvellous Mauve Trophy for Most Glamorously Presented Vegetable Display - Miss Hathorn at Mustard Plaster
Empire Postato Building Award for Tuber Gigantism - Easygardener from Green Forks
Boo to the Olympics Gold Medal for Vegetative Achievement in the Face of Urban "Regeneration" - Colleen from rus in urbis
Alicante RIP Memorial Shield For Variety and Excellence in Tomato Growing - Miss Hathorn at Mustard Plaster
"I Bite Your Blight" Monster Tomato Prize - Yolanda Elizabet tying in a dead points heat with Karen from artistsgarden
Floral Arrangement in the Style of James Alexander-Sinclair - to Yolanda Elizabet for outstanding effort in this category. Runner-up with special mention, J. Alexander-Sinclair.
Fruit Scone Quality Shield - LindfieldMan
Doily Decorative Achievement - LindfieldMan
Award for Outstanding Contribution to Scone Research, to the person who, in the Committee's opinion, has done most in the preceding twelve months to enlarge our understanding of the Scone - Patientgardener
Penthouse Playmate Award for the Men Only Victoria Sandwich - WH
Not Called Artist For Nothing Cup for the Finest Homemade Seed Receptacles - karen from artistsgarden
Best Animated Short Film Concerning a Continental Pastry or Cake - Arabella Sock
Penile Solanaceae Similarity Shield to Jane at Procrastinators' Progress
The World in a Miniature Garden Trophy for Meaningful Garden Design on a Conceptual Level for Inspiring Spiritual Struggle and Universal Achievements Such as the Olympics - James Alexander-Sinclair
Finally we come to the competition's most hotly-contested categories. These were of course, the hardest to judge.
Celebrity Portrait in Fruit or Veg
The Committee agreed the standard had been outstanding and that many of the entrants could have competing in this category at international level. A winner must be chosen, however. First Prize to Lottie for Carrot Klein, followed by Second to James Alexander Sinclair for Wayne and Colleen, and Third to Easygardener for Brangelina Twins Viv and Knox. Well done to all.
Best Paparazzi-Style Picture of Matthew Wilson, Chris Beardshaw or similar
A fiercely-fought category, as you'd expect from this crowd.
Third Prize to James A-S for a granny-pleasing shot of Alan Titchmarsh's well-rounded behind. Second Prize to Matthew Wilson for his photo of, hmm, himself. And finally First Prize to VP for Joe and Rachella's glum moment of darkness. A proper off-camera moment captured with great paparazzi skill.
Sarah Raven Prize for Flower Arranging - After much careful consideration the Committee decided that, in their opinion the arranger channelling most effectively the spirit of Raven was patientgardener. Well done to all entrants as the Committee agreed the standard this year was particularly high.
Emsworthian Medal for Achievement Across All Categories - Veg Plotting, with particular mention for her Willow Weaving, her dark and thoughtful venture into Programmatic Flower Arranging, and her gorgeous and day-brightening-up Five Dahlias.
Thank you to all who competed, it has been a most enjoyable affair and all the Committee would like to pass on their thanks to the entrants as well as to the organisers of the event. Our final task is just to announce the winners of the prize giveaway: all the entrants were entered, and four names were picked from a hat earlier by my lovely assistant Samuelantha, as evidenced in the following photo:
The winners are Arabella Sock, Mrs J of Cambridge, LindfieldMan, and Zoë. I will be sending you each a nice present.